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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25571215">life, starring you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ODed_on_jingle_jangle/pseuds/ODed_on_jingle_jangle'>ODed_on_jingle_jangle</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dare Me (TV 2019), Dare Me - Megan Abbott</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Disturbing Themes, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not Happy, Overdosing, Possible Character Death, Suicide Attempt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:33:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,484</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25571215</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ODed_on_jingle_jangle/pseuds/ODed_on_jingle_jangle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Beth almost died. That’s what she has to compete with. It’s a pretty tall order. </p><p>The more Tacy thinks about it, the more she realizes it can’t actually be topped. Not with any of her conventional ideas, like screwing an older guy, or driving drunk, or twisting an ankle during a routine. </p><p>The more Tacy thinks about it, the more she realizes if she cannot top Beth, she has to match her. Tit for tat. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>life, starring you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the weeks following Beth’s plunge from the pyramid, she is showered with love and warmth all things cute. There’s an outpouring of support on social media. Her room is crammed with stuffed animals and sweets and smiling faces. Tacy’s own mother, who has never done much but cautiously tiptoe around Beth before, even brings a dozen balloons and daisy bouquets with get well cards in neat cursive.  </p><p>In the weeks following Beth’s plunge from the pyramid, Addy wrests charge of the squad and Addy...</p><p>Addy is. </p><p>Something else entirely. </p><p>She always seemed to be the one to reel Beth back in line when Beth was captain. The whole squad could see it, how Beth would get a little too wild and Addy would pull rank to blink at her, guide her back from the edge. But now, now Tacy has to wonder if maybe there was a part of Beth that kept restrained something in Addy, too. Something the rest of them missed, something that kept Addy’s dark side more docile. </p><p>Or maybe it’s something Coach French awakened in Addy before she left. The two of them were always hanging out even without the rest of the squad. And the way Addy walks into the gym everyday, icy and jagged and glowering, sends the same shivers down Tacy’s spine as Coach French’s confident stride always did. </p><p>Tacy doesn’t really know what happened with Addy, but Addy is a much harsher captain than Beth ever was. Addy’s glares rip through the girls like gale force winds. If you do not do it right, you will do it again, again, again, you do not dare leave the gym unless you do it right, or you will meet the floor beneath her foot. Addy devours the JV girls and picks her teeth with their bones, you will not be on her squad if you aren’t serious about success, you will not dare waste a precious second of her time if you aren’t here to be the very best you can possibly be. They don’t even have a coach yet and Addy is already pushing them to perfect college level routines.</p><p>RiRi isn’t as strong of a lieutenant as Addy once was. Doesn’t rein Addy back in line the way Addy did with Beth. But she isn’t as ruthless as a lieutenant as Addy once was, either. Doesn’t twist wrists or kick bellies when girls are goofing around or toeing the line. </p><p>With one exception, that is. Tacy. </p><p>RiRi still hates her for the accident earlier this year even though that’s exactly what it was— a freaking accident. It’s not like Tacy meant to hurt her. But RiRi doesn’t see it that way, she had to miss out on Regionals and forgiveness is not forthcoming. </p><p>RiRi harasses Tacy every chance she gets, forcing her to do extra laps and pushups, making an example of her in front of the others whenever she can. She’s stolen her clothes while she’s in the showers, spit in her eye, once slapped her so hard her ears rang for the rest of the day. Addy laughed. They all did.</p><p>Tacy cries about it all to Bert, how severe Addy is, how mean RiRi is, how it’s all so unfair and he has to do something about it because she can’t live like this anymore. </p><p>But for the first time ever, Bert doesn’t do anything. He doesn’t swoop in to save the day. Doesn’t promise her he’s handpicked a new coach on the way. He just apologetically shakes his head and leaves her at home to languish while he goes off to shower Beth with some more attention. He brings her gifts every day and pamphlets of pretty places he promises to take her when she’s better, places he’s never even asked Tacy if she wants to go to. </p><p>There’s a shift in the power dynamics that used to be present before, where Tacy would count on Bert to prioritize her as long as she blinked out some tears and made it known how much she was hurting. Where Bert wasn’t all that hard to lure from Beth’s side if Tacy played the friendly to Beth’s fiery, the perky to her surly, the smile to her sneer, the demure daughter instead of the difficult one. </p><p>But it looks like cracking your head open like an egg has some upsides because ever since Beth took the plunge, she’s gotten like, everything. She’s been pampered like a princess in the hospital. Bert is barely at home now, always at her bedside. Even when he is home, he’s talking about her. How much better she’s doing, how strong she is, blah, blah, blah. </p><p>It makes her sick. Beth needs some stitches and suddenly she’s the center of his world. Well, okay, Tacy supposes it was more than just some stitches. But still. She’s losing ground with him and she’s miserable at school, and something has to change. She has to make it change. </p><p>For a long time, she can’t decide how, exactly, to go about this. Maybe she should hook up with an older guy? </p><p>Maybe one of the marines. They’re always around. </p><p>Tibbs is pretty handsome, easy on the eyes. But no, not him. That’s RiRi’s territory. Tacy has already paid the price of being on RiRi’s bad side, she doesn’t need to make it worse. Oh, maybe Kurtz. He’s okay enough, she thinks. A little spookier than she tends to go for with those feral eyes and that mauler smile, but in this case, that could work in her favor. A tryst with Kurtz could really freak Bert out. </p><p>But, hm…no. No, Tacy decides, hooking up with an older guy isn’t big enough. </p><p>Beth almost died.</p><p>That’s what she has to compete with. It’s a pretty tall order. </p><p>The more Tacy thinks about it, the more she realizes it can’t actually be topped. Not with any of her conventional ideas, like screwing an older guy, or driving drunk, or twisting an ankle during a routine. </p><p>The more Tacy thinks about it, the more she realizes if she cannot top Beth, she has to match her. Tit for tat. </p><p>At first the idea jars her. She couldn’t possibly put herself in real danger…except she thinks she has to, to get Bert back. To shakes things up with the squad. She’ll never have a high ranking on the squad, Bert’s help or not, but he could make it a little bit better, at least. Addy can’t go on ruling like a tyrant and Tacy refuses to be RiRi’s personal whipping boy because of something she didn’t even mean to do. </p><p>So she formulates a plan in her head. Pretty simple, pretty straightforward. Pop a bottle of pills and get in the bath. If she times it just right, she’s sure she’s going to be fine. She’ll do it all within twenty minutes of when her mother will be home from work. </p><p>Her mother will come home, hear the water, come rushing upstairs. One 9-1-1 call after, she’ll have her stomach pumped, and Bert will come running back. She’ll cry to the both of them about how everything has just been too much lately, Beth’s accident, the bullying at school, Bert never being around anymore. She’ll sob and snivel and swear she doesn’t know what came over her, just that she she was so overwhelmed, she had to escape somehow. </p><p>It’s a little extreme but it will all be worth it, if it means being her dad's favorite again and somewhat improving the situation on the squad.</p>
<hr/><p>Tacy borrows Bert’s spare key to the Cassidy house when she knows Lana is out. She crosses the street with determined footsteps. She holds her breath because she feels like an intruder, a burglar. Perhaps that part is a little silly because technically, they’re family. It’s almost like it’s still her father’s house, Bert pays most of Lana’s bills. </p><p>She trots upstairs and slips into Lana’s bathroom, pawing through the medicine cabinet. There is a sizable arsenal at her disposal. At least three medications she could pull this off with. But she settles on the Xanax because its purpose is to make you calm and this close to going forward with her plan, Tacy is feeling anything but calm. </p><p>Distantly, she knows she’s going to be fine. She knows her mother’s work schedule like the back of her hand. She’ll pop the last pill when she can be certain that only a handful of miles away, the woman is punching out and digging through her purse for her car keys. She has it all planned out so that she can depend on coming through the other side, on being okay. Somehow, she’s still apprehensive. </p><p>Little worries needle at her, like what if her mom has to stay overtime last minute, what if she runs into traffic, what if she’s actually timed this too well and that she comes home even earlier than Tacy suspected and Tacy isn’t even passed out yet, and can’t avoid the embarrassment of being caught. </p><p>She tells herself that none of that is going to happen. That everything is going to go exactly how she planned it. Repeating this to herself quiets the worries, but it doesn’t make them disappear. </p><p>Tacy tucks the bottle of Xanax into her hoodie pocket and hurries back downstairs. She slips into the kitchen and snatches a bottle of Cristal by the neck, the only one Lana has. With that, she leaves and all but races back across the street. </p><p>Tacy gets everything prepped. She lays towels down beside the triangular tub in the master bathroom and rests the bottle of Xanax upon the edge of the sink, on standby. She opens the Cristal and places it on the rim, so she'll be able to reach it in the tub. She goes to her bedroom and changes into a white, flowing sundress she’d picked out just for this, simple and clean. </p><p>There are two slices leftover of the rich, white chocolate raspberry cheesecake that Bert had brought Beth in the hospital. Tacy places them on one of the fine china plates usually reserved for dinners with important business associates. She gets herself a fork and stares down at them, delicate red swirls in creamy filling, topped with berries dusted in powdered sugar and white chocolate shavings. </p><p>Soon. </p><p>She returns back to the bathroom and balances the plate on the rim beside the Cristal. She turns the handle of the faucet to 'Hot' and watches the water burst forth from the stainless steel spigot. She pours in a sizable amount of her mother’s favorite bubblebath, lavender-chamomile. That’s supposed to help you relax too. </p><p>Tacy swipes the Xanax off the sink and huffs irritably as she struggles to open it. Her suddenly shaking hands prove just as much an obstacle as the stupid childproof seal. </p><p>“Come on,” she whines to no one, and her voice is quavery, sounds strange to her ears. </p><p>Eventually she manages to pop off the lid. She spends a moment looking into the bottle. White dress, white chocolate, white bubbles, white pills. </p><p>Tacy shakes a few into her palm and she can’t look at them there, it’s different than looking at them in the bottle. If she looks at them in her hand, cradled by her cupped fingers, she will hesitate, and there is no room to hesitate. She has everything planned out perfectly. </p><p>She plunks them in her mouth so fast she nearly chokes and gulps them down with Cristal. She shakes out some more and repeats this process until the bottle is empty. Scarcely pauses to draw breath because that would be another opportunity to hesitate. She doesn’t like the way the pills feel in her throat, doesn’t like the bitter aftertaste. Gulps down more Cristal when she’s finished to rid herself of it while her chest knots up and her blood roars in her ears. </p><p>Tacy curls her toes into the terrycloth towels under her feet and watches the water rise in the tub. Thick, foamy bubbles look inviting, the pleasant aroma of the soap tickling her nose. She releases a shuddering breath and slides one leg in, then the other. The water is almost too hot, prickling her skin.</p><p>She lowers herself down and thin cotton of her sundress soaks through immediately, clinging fast to her thighs. Tacy licks her lips as she takes the plate, daintily cutting herself a piece of cake with the side of her fork. She doesn’t feel any different yet. </p><p>The cheesecake squishes richly between her teeth. Its flavor dances delectably on her tongue, and she lets out a soft, satisfied, “mmm…” </p><p>Tacy washes it down with more Cristal. Now she thinks she feels a little different, maybe, a little bit buzzed. She tries to lean into the feeling as she cuts herself another piece. She gently stabs into it, brings it past her lips. </p><p>Some of the raspberry seeds get stuck between her teeth but she doesn’t really care. She has to hold the plate up as the water rises, bubbles frothing at her chest. </p><p>By the third bite, Tacy’s anxieties have begun to melt away. She’s not sure why she was ever nervous about this at all. Her plan is solid. </p><p>Another swallow of Cristal. The bottle feels heavier in her hands than it did earlier but it still tastes so sweet. </p><p>Her eyelids feel heavier too, maybe, but she knows to expect that. Isn’t sure why she was so antsy earlier. This isn’t as scary as she thought it was going to be. </p><p>She takes a fourth bite. Can’t believe how rich the cheesecake is. God, this is fucking luxuriating. </p><p>Tacy doesn’t know why she didn’t do this sooner. Already finds it funny in a morbid kind of way how much her parents are going to freak out about this. How they’ll never know how much she’s actually enjoying herself right now, dessert in her mouth and bathwater embracing her like a lover. Its heat seeping through her skin to soothe her sore muscles and bruises. </p><p>Her fifth bite is mostly crust. Moist, chocolate graham crust that crumbles perfectly upon her tongue. The next swig of Cristal she takes is sloppy, spills over her chin and splashes through the bubbles. </p><p>She’s really feeling it now. Has to lean back and use her mother’s vinyl blowup seashell pillow because her head is too heavy to hold up herself. Her head feels hazy, like there’s a mist swirling around all her thoughts. They unspool into unreality when she tries to set them into something sensible, so she stops trying.</p><p>Sweat trickles into her eyes as the steam rises from the water. Her vision is blurry but that’s not why. </p><p>The sixth bite finishes off the first slice of cheesecake.</p><p>Tacy doesn’t make it to the second. </p>
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